Ep 105A Jewish Divorce Mediator Shares What She Sees Behind Closed Doors
After 15 years of 'we need a budget,' she said: I wish he would just hit me
Sarah Nissel
A Jewish Divorce Mediator Shares What She Sees Behind Closed Doors
with Sarah Nissel
In our community, we tend to sell the [wedding] as the finish line, and I really think it's the starting line.
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Quotes
“We all need to be less ashamed about talking about money.”
“I'm not saying that both people need to be paying the bills... I'm saying that the statements need to be on the table.”
“A rabbi once told me that the only thing marriage cures is being single.”
“$600 doesn't seem like a lot of money in the big scheme of things, but a lot of $600 do.”
“Don't try to resolve a conflict when you're hot.”
Takeaways
- 1 Sarah Nissel is an attorney who teaches at Pepperdine Law School and runs the Jewish Divorce Assistance Center of Los Angeles, which helps Jewish couples reach peaceful divorces, including the get.
- 2 Money is rarely the reason couples divorce. More often it reflects other issues, like control or risk-taking, and it flares up when assets are split.
- 3 The bigger problem she sees is how little people know about their own finances when a marriage ends: passwords, debts, loans, even unfiled taxes.
- 4 A newer pattern (last five years): the husband earns and the wife manages the money, so at a divorce he has no idea what's there.
- 5 Division of labor is fine, but both spouses should know the full picture. It's also a safety step if something happens to one of them.
- 6 Kids learn from what they see. When both parents understand the money, it breaks the cycle.
- 7 A spouse's attitude to risk can be very different in money than in other parts of life. Talk about it.
- 8 Couples should not be shocked by conflict. Marriage is not a fairy tale, and uncomfortable conversations are part of it.
- 9 Parents' unspoken promises of support, and bragging about money during shidduchim, can cause trouble years later.
- 10 Separate bank accounts can work, but they have legal effects, and the other spouse should know the account exists.
- 11 Teach money early (high school seniors, seminary, yeshiva) even if only a little sticks. Living Smarter Jewish (an OU project) has a ready-made curriculum and textbook for schools.
- 12 Litigation is slow and very expensive. An amicable divorce saves money and pain.